It took 20 years for me to be diagnosed as someone with PMDD. I can’t begin to describe the sense of relief that I felt. Having lived a dual life every month, it felt great to get that validation that I am not crazy after all.
I am a very calm person but every month, 3-4 days before my periods, I could sense a rage rising within me. To save my relationships, be it with family or friends, I would draw into a shell, often retiring to my room and spending my time there till the phase passed.
I would be very depressed, angry, and resentful. I remember hating and cursing everyone around me and then reeling under strong feelings of guilt. Even my 80-year-old Aaji (grandma) used to tell the 16-year-old young me…” hasava, khedava, bolava” (meaning you should…” laugh, play and talk”). People around me did notice my unusual behaviour but neither did they know what was wrong with me nor did I.
Years passed, I got married, had a beautiful kid, had an amazing job, everything was perfect, and I was so grateful. Yet there were days when I felt leaving everything behind and running away. Till that age I had already travelled a lot and my husband said to me “you can be anywhere in the world and still not be happy”. That struck me because it was so true. I noticed a pattern in my moods, my energy levels and behaviour and discussed it with my doctor. I had PMDD. That was the end to years of struggle and beginning of a new chapter.
